PORN REVIEW 

I'm Jack and I'll be your porn reviewer.  They call me Dirty Old Man even though I shower daily.

I'm not an extremely wordy guy and I hate spoilers, so you won't find any of those... Or Disney movies like Finding Nemo, though I'm certain there's some sort of Freudian/Oedipus issue in all or most Disney Classics that teeter on fetishry anyway.

Recommend a movie for Jack to watch!



Five Doors to Ecstasy

This is Fetish movie from Private studios.  Private makes some pretty decent flicks and I especially like their fetish collection.  This movie is segmented into various scenes, it's not written or presented like a full feature.  But what porn is, right?

On to the move review, 'cause that's what you came for.

The first door is Possession.  I really love when porn directors get artistic, just as long as they stay in context.  This particular door is an outdoor scene and Christina Bella is dressed in an all leather halter and looks ready to beat the shit out of the dork wearing an all leather body suit.  Unfortunately, when the guy sheds the leather mask... the scene doesn't get any prettier. 

Christina takes control, and as she does she takes off this "masked mans" pants to reveal he is wearing rubber underwear with the balls cut out - It looks slightly uncomfortable.  After sucking on his nice size cock, Christina leans back against a tree and allows him to eat her out. 

After they fuck for a little while, including anal, he comes on her tits in true porno fashion.  And we move on to the next door.

The second door is Perversion.  The beginning of this scene is only slightly annoying in comparison to the rubber crotchless underwear outdoor motif of the first door.  Let me paint a picture for you; an older rich chick is chauffeured around in the back of a convertible by a bullish looking dude.  They eventually pick a young blonde hottie who just happens to be standing on the side of the road (why doesn't shit like that ever happen to me?). 

After a little making out (between the two girls) in the car they arrive at the older womans home and down into some strange underground garage filled with, of all things, hay.  Before long the blond gets down to business, rips the younger girls panty hose open and starts cleaning the kitty. 

Of course, no lesbian scene is complete without strap-ons, right?  And both of these beauties gear up  for a fun back and forth scene.  The blond gets busy first, but at one point the older chick goes nuts and bends the blond over and starts pounding away.  The blond really gets into it and grabs her dildo and in true Ozzy fashion bites the head off and spits it out for a fantastic orgasm. 


The third door is Greed, stop me if you've heard this one -  A hot blonde in a wedding dress walks into a fetish bar with two men on leashes.  Oh, perhaps you hadn't heard it.  Yes, it sounds like a great set-up for a punchline but I kid you not!  And the men on leashes aren't just any men - they are 'dog-men'.  Frothing and snarling, barking... No shit! 


So the chick locks her man-dogs in their cage and goes in search for a fuck toy.  She finds her subject not far in the back of the bar wearing welders mask.  Yes, a welder in a bar... enough said.

She begins to order him around  and before you know it hey break out a dildo.  In normal porn fashion the woman fucks herself while he makes good use of his mouth in all the right places.  It ends really too abruptly when he jizzes on her. 

At the climactic third door scene ends we find ourselves walking back with our mistress out to her man-dogs and engaging in a little puppy love.... What the fuck is this? The Humane Society?!

Okay, moving on to door number 4, and that is the door of Submission.

The first thing we see in this scene is a couple of chickens in a doorway of what looks like a stable.   Now this could be a farm scene gone bad or a brief intermission or poultry porn.   I don't see any cocks around but what the hell, it could be interesting.

A hottie in red PVC walks into the stable with a guy acting like a horse.  The two go for a little roll in the hay, fuck in every position and he eventually cums on her boots.  Usually you see the money shot on the tits, ass, chin, back - so it was a pleasure to watch.  And it's hot!  Until she makes him bend over and lick it off.... 

Okay the chickens in the scene are kinda distracting.

This scene feels a little drawn out and I really would have liked them to put more time and empasis on the other scenes rather than making this one as long as it was.... but when she whips out the butt plug it's all good.

Did I mention the chickens were distracting?  Just making sure.  Where's the guy in welding mask?



The fifth and final door is Ecstasy. 

Sorry no little blue pills behind this door!  This scene has the whole menage feel with two couples sharing the scene eventually even though it starts with a chick in a latex body suit, hands bound to rope suspended from the ceiling fucking herself on a large black dildo. 

Two men and a chick enter the room and that's when the fun begins.  After putting her on what looks like a hospital gurney table; they paint her nipples with wax and fuck her some more with the large black dildo she was enjoying at the beginning of the scene. 

Then the foursome pair off and begin to fuck themselves silly, this lasts a good twenty minutes before it ends with both guys’ cumming into bowls and the chicks attempting to drink them.  I still think one chick misses her mouth on purpose.  Fucking cunt!


All in all, this movie does take us through all five doors of Ecstasy, even if the last one is named Ecstasy, but it is not the road less traveled.  Most of the scenes have a been-there-done-that feel, but they are hot and maybe a little crazy for those who have only experienced some basic, vanilla-type porn.  

 Thanks for reading and until next time remember to keep your lubed hand off the remote!

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